Class Mom Read online

  “Sorry.” I blush. “I am cooler than this!”

  “Want to tell us how some of your best friends are gay?” asks Kim or Carol with a smile. I start to laugh.

  “Yes, thanks. That was next on my list of stupid things to say.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ve heard worse. But a play date sounds good. Should we email you?”

  “That would be great. See you later and again, I’m sorry.”

  As they walk away, the blond one says loudly: “What’s that you say, Jen? You had a lesbian experience in college? How wonderful!”

  Nina sidles up to me. I’m actually sweating now.

  “Look at you, making friends,” she coos, as only Nina can.

  “Oh, my God. Why didn’t you walk over here two minutes ago?”

  “And miss the train wreck that was you meeting Hunter’s two mommies? No way.”

  I shake my head, trying to push the whole thing out of my mind. I turn to Nina.

  “Hey, what can you tell me about the turtleneck twins over there?” I nod toward the book nook, where Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are pretending to look at Wild About Books while obviously assessing every parent in the room, kind of like I’m doing.

  Nina rolls her eyes and picks a sesame seed out of her teeth.

  “Well, the taller one, Kim, moved here two years ago from New York—or Manhattan, as she always calls it just in case we think she means any other part of New York.”

  “Someone should tell her there’s a Manhattan, Kansas. That’ll shut her up.”

  Nina laughs. “The shorter one is JJ Aikens—I’ve known her for years. She used to be seminormal, but ever since Kim turned up all she wants to be is another Kim. I think she’s even convinced herself that she’s from New York, too.”

  “You mean Manhattan,” I correct her.

  “Sure I do.”

  “Well, that explains a thing or two. Kim’s husband was checking out Miss Ward.”

  “Oh, hell, Jen, who wasn’t? I haven’t had sex in so long, Miss Ward is looking good to me.”

  “Do you know that tall couple?” I ask her.

  “Peetsa and Buddy? Sure. Their daughter and Chyna have been in the same class on and off for years.”

  I am about to say something, but Miss Ward is waving an empty garbage bag at me, which I guess is her way of asking me to start cleaning up.

  Nina sighs. “Well, I’m off to Mr. Greely’s class to check in. No sushi there, I can promise you that.”

  As I’m grabbing cups and plates, I find myself glancing around the room, looking for Don Burgess. Our eyes meet over the large recycling bin.

  “Hey, are you trying to take my job away?” There’s that smile again.

  “Sorry?” This time I manage to suppress the giggle.

  “Waste management. That’s what I do.” He hands me some used napkins to put in my trash bag.

  “Really? That’s…” I stop because I don’t know what to say. That’s interesting? That’s cool? That’s disappointing? Who knew Suchafox would end up a garbageman?

  “I know.” He laughs at the look on my face. “It’s not what you’d think I’d be doing, but there’s a lot of money in garbage.”

  “Well, that’s great. Good for you. Helping to keep KC clean.”

  “I do what I can,” he says. As he walks away, he turns back to me and says the last thing I thought I would ever hear Don Burgess say:

  “Don’t forget to recycle those cups!”

  * * *

  When I get home that night, I find Max and Ron in our bed, both fast asleep. Max is wearing his Spider-Man costume as pajamas, of course. As I pick him up, I realize he’s almost too big to carry, and my heart hurts a little bit. I remember when the girls got too heavy for me. It’s just one more step away from you that they take without even knowing it. As I lay him down in his race-car bed, I put my nose into his hair and take a deep breath. He never lets me do that when he’s awake.

  I sit down on the bed and look around Max’s room. A stranger would think that two completely different children share it. One is a diehard sports fan, evidenced by all the posters of Chiefs and Royals superstars papering the walls. The other is a techie/wizard fan who has a flair for fashion, shown through all the gadgets and drawings littered about.

  When I get back to the bedroom, Ron is sitting up, squinting at his iPad.

  “How’d it go?” he asks.

  “It was a real barn burner. You would have loved it.”

  “Really?”

  “No.” I stretch out on the bed. “What did you guys do?”

  “We had hot dogs and watched hockey on ESPN Classics in bed. Perfect manly-man night.”

  “For our perfectly unmanly little boy,” I add.

  “He loved it.”

  “Ron, please stop trying to make him love sports. If he does, he does. If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.”

  “I’m just trying to show him all the options. I’ve given up on football and soccer, but I have high hopes for hockey.”

  I shake my head.

  “You know that kid Zach T. he always talks about?”

  Ron shrugs. “The one he ate lunch with that day?”

  “No, that’s Zach B.”

  “The one he says picks his nose?”

  “No, that’s Zach E. Zach T. is the one who is really into gadgets. I met his parents tonight. They seem like nice people.”

  Ron gasps. “Don’t tell me you actually met someone you like!”

  “Ha, ha. Their names are Peetsa and Buddy.”

  “Pizza?”

  “Just like the food.”

  “God, can you imagine going through high school with that name? ‘Hey, Pizza! Can I have a slice?’ I would have tortured that poor girl.”

  “I’m sure she’s heard them all.”

  I’m about to tell him about Don Burgess he’s such a fox when the phone rings. I roll onto my side to answer it.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, Mom.” It’s my older daughter.

  “Hey, Vivs. What’s up, baby?”

  “Not much.”

  “How’s school?”

  “Good.”

  Vivs is my show pony. She came out of the womb just knowing the right thing to say and do, which is pretty much a miracle considering Michael Hutchence and I were less than stable people at the time of conception. There were a couple of dark years during puberty when Vivs thought she was Marilyn Manson and, I’m not going to lie, I was terrified of her. But we got through it. Currently she is a junior at KU, majoring in human ecology, whatever the hell that is.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Jesus, Vivs, really? Do I have to drag it out of you? What’s up? Do you need money?”

  “Mom! No. I just called to say hi. Jeez. Why so bitchy?”

  “Sorry. I just got back from curriculum night at Max’s school.”

  Vivs laughs. She knows how much I hate school functions.

  “How’s he doing?”

  “He’s good, but I think Ron traumatized him tonight by making him watch a hockey game.”

  “He loved it!” Ron yells.

  “Still on the sports thing, huh?”

  “Yeah.” I sigh. “How is Raj?”

  “He’s okay.”

  Raj is Vivs’s on-again off-again boyfriend. I can’t really get a handle on what their problem is but they seem to break up and make up an awful lot. Ron and I really like him. He’s an engineering major at KU, which means he will actually leave school with a useful degree, which is more than I can say for either of my daughters.

  “Have you heard from Laura?” she asks.

  “Not for a couple of days. You?”

  “Yeah, I had lunch with her today. She’s freaking out because she was snapped making out with two different guys on the same night. Someone posted the pictures on Instagram and now she looks like the campus slut. She didn’t call you?”

  “Oh, my God. No, she didn’t.”
/>   Ron raises an eyebrow at me.

  “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

  “Don’t tell her I said anything.”

  “I won’t. Thanks for giving me a heads-up.”

  “K. Love you.”

  “Love you too, baby.” I hang up.

  “Oh, my God!”

  “What happened?” Ron asks.

  “I guess Laura’s taking a page out of her old mom’s handbook.” I can’t help but smile.

  “What, is she pregnant?”

  “Nooo, that comes after college. Haven’t you been paying attention?”

  “Obviously not.”

  I roll on my side to face him.

  “It seems she made out with two different guys at a party and someone took pictures and posted them on Instagram.”

  “Our Laura? Didn’t-have-a date-until-she-was-seventeen Laura?”

  “The very same. Poor baby. Vivs says she’s freaking. I’ll call her tomorrow.”

  5

  * * *

  To: Parents

  From: JDixon

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hello, fellow parents!

  Ever wondered what Miss Ward really thinks of your child? Oh, I know it’s all smiles and compliments on curriculum night, but prepare yourselves for brutal honesty as we sally forth into parent/teacher conference season.

  And best of all, I’M IN CHARGE OF THE SCHEDULE! Oh, I’m just drunk on the power I have now! Who wants the coveted 12:30 Thursday spot that allows you to take a long weekend? Cuz there’s a super-cute coat sitting in the window at Macy’s with my name on it … first person to get that for me wins their pick of times.

  OR we could do it the old-fashioned way and have you email me 2 times that work for you from the list below and I will “try my best” (wink) to accommodate you.

  Thursday, Nov. 17, p.m.

  12:30, 1:00, 1:30, 2:00, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30

  Friday, Nov. 18, a.m.

  8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:30, 10:30, 11:00, 11:30, 1:00, 1:30

  Let me know as soon as you can, so I can get on with my life. Early birds will be rewarded with primo spots.

  Dixon out!

  To: JDixon

  From: Sasha Lewicki

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  I am out of the office until October 27.

  Thank you,

  Sasha

  To: Jen Dixon

  From: Carol Alexander

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hi, Jen,

  Any time on Thursday works for us. Kim and I have a big lesbian conference to go to on Friday. Want to come with us? The theme this year is Dykes or Bikes: Which Would You Rather Ride?

  Kidding, of course. Except for the part about any time on Thursday.

  Thanks,

  Carol

  To: Jen Dixon

  From: Jill Kaplan

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hi, Jen,

  I’m Rachel Kaplan’s mother. I’m so sorry I didn’t say hello at curriculum night, but I wasn’t feeling very social. My asshat of a husband wouldn’t come with me and I was too pissed to be friendly to anyone.

  Anyhoo, I will take any time Friday morning. God knows Steve doesn’t care. He thinks it’s women’s work to meet the teacher. You may wonder why we even had a kid if he isn’t going to participate. I ask myself that all the time.

  Let’s have coffee sometime!

  Jill

  To: JDixon

  From: AGordon

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Dear Jen,

  I missed meeting you on curriculum night, but Don mentioned that he spoke with you. Did you really know each other in high school? Small world. I’m not sure if he has responded to this email, but I’m pretty sure we are good for any time after 12:30 on Friday. That’s when we usually do the handoff.

  Thanks,

  Ali Gordon

  * * *

  Huh. It seems Don and his baby mama don’t live together. He said they were co-parenting Lulu. I guess they’re divorced.

  * * *

  To: JDixon

  From: JJ Aikens

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hi,

  There is only one option for us and that’s 12:30 on the 18th. Sorry. No flexibility whatsoever.

  Thanks,

  JJ

  To: JDixon

  From: Kim Fancy (Nancy’s mom)

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hi, Jen,

  We have scheduled a trip back to Manhattan, so we have to go first on Thursday. We absolutely must make our flight in order to be at Lincoln Center for the ballet Thursday night.

  Thank you,

  Kim

  To: JDixon

  From: Asami Chang

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Jennifer,

  We will take the first spot on Thursday—12:30. And I won’t be buying you a coat for it, I can assure you. I have notified the head of the Parents’ Association that you are soliciting bribes.

  Asami

  To: JDixon

  From: Peetsa Tucci

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Parent/teacher conferences

  Hi Jen,

  Thanks again for the play date. Zach had a great time. I think a remote-control helicopter is definitely on his Christmas list now!

  As for the conferences, we are around, so plug us in anywhere.

  See you for trick-or-treating.

  Peetsa

  xo

  * * *

  Peetsa’s email makes me realize that I haven’t heard from Miss Ward about having a Halloween party in the classroom. Max is crazy about dressing up and has been planning for weeks to wear his costume to school that day.

  * * *

  To: Miss Ward

  From: JDixon

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Halloween party???

  Hi, Miss Ward,

  I know you’re busy, but I never heard from you about planning a Halloween party for the kids. Do you want me to pull something together?

  Thanks,

  Jennifer

  * * *

  Much to my surprise, her response is almost immediate.

  * * *

  To: JDixon

  From: PWard

  Date: 10/25

  Subject: Halloween party???

  Hi, Jenny,

  I didn’t see a request from you, but just so you know, I only have parties when I think the kids deserve them—not because Hallmark tells me it’s a holiday.

  By the way, when will you have my conference schedule ready?

  Keep up the good work!

  Peggy

  * * *

  Well what do you know. Miss Ward is able to come up with the one answer I would have never thought of.

  I start tackling the conference schedule almost immediately. I knew that first slot on Thursday would be a popular one, because there’s no school the next day: It’s a great opportunity to take a long weekend somewhere. I have three people who insist that it is imperative they have it, so obviously none of them is getting it. I know, I’m a bitch. If any of them had asked for the spot instead of demanded it, it would have been theirs. As my mother always says, ask me to do anything. Don’t tell me to do anything. As I type, I count the number of enemies I’m about to make. Ah, heavy is the head that wears the crown.

  * * *

  To: JDixon

  From: NGrandish

  Date: 10/27

  Subject: Threats and bribes

  Jen,

  I’ve heard thru the grapevine that you are asking for a coat in exchange for a preferred conference time. Please don’t do this. Go for something smaller, like jewelry or maybe a watch. The evidence i
s easier to hide.

  Kisses,

  Nina

  To: Parents

  From: JDixon

  Date: 10/30

  Subject: Parent/teacher conference schedule

  Hi, folks,

  If you’ve ever seen The Hunger Games, you’ll have an idea of what I went through trying to make everyone happy with these conference times.

  Here is how it shook out. If you don’t like what you get, well, good luck finding someone who cares.

  And remember, we have a half day on Thursday the 17th and no school on Friday the 18th. Please, please don’t send your kids to school on Friday unless you want them to have an introduction to custodial services.

  Over and out.

  Jen

  Conference Schedule:

  Thursday, Nov. 17

  12:30 Lewicki

  1:00 Fancy

  1:30 Aikens

  2:00 Chang

  2:30 Alexander

  3:00 Brown

  3:30 Kaplan

  Friday, Nov. 18

  8:00 Cobb

  8:30 Dixon

  9:00 Westman

  9:30 Baton

  10:30 Tucci

  11:00 Elder

  11:30 Wolffe

  1:00 Gordon/Burgess

  1:30 Zalis

  * * *

  I push Send knowing what a shit storm I have just delivered, and wait for the fallout. Of course Sasha Lewicki’s out-of-office reply is the first to arrive, but it is followed very quickly by emails from Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.

  * * *

  To: JDixon

  From: Kim Fancy

  Date: 10/30

  Subject: Conference schedule

  Hi, Jen,

  I’m sorry if I didn’t make myself clear in my previous email. I simply must have the first conference time because we are flying to Manhattan! Please switch me with Sasha Lewicki.

  Kim

  To: JDixon

  From: JJ Aikens

  Date: 10/30

  Subject: Conference schedule

  Jen,

  I’m really shocked by how you ignored all our requests, especially since you asked us to tell you what we wanted. I mean, Kim and I both asked for the first time slot, assuming you would give it to at least one of us. Kim has a flight to Manhattan. She has tickets at Lincoln Center. So you see how important it is that she get the first spot. I’m sure the Lewickis won’t mind switching when you ask them.